Too Comfortable With My Company
I do not know how I got here, but I'm here now.
Hi, my name is Amya; you can call me Red. I am a relatively novice artist. I’ve been attending Salem High School's Visual Art Academy for around three years now. I’ve dabbled in different media and mediums and played with a variety of concepts in my time here. I strive to spark a little conversation, find other individuals with similar struggles and thoughts as myself, and let the rest of the world know that people like me are in it, and I'm starting with this project planning post.
-Take 2
The theme behind my latest series here at the academy has been one of my more difficult concepts. I've been very in my head with this project plan rather than allowing myself to be honest in my art.
I would like to think that everyone, at some point, has struggled with needing the validation and company of other people. I would like to believe that others besides myself have also fought with the constant need for others' affection to feel loved, for others' company to not feel alone, and in general, to remind them life can be worth living and experiencing. I imagine that most have had a moment where they alone were not enough for themself to be happy, a moment where they were uncomfortable within their own company.
I have a history of bending over backward and burning down my boundaries to keep others' company and affection. I did not give myself the positive and loving treatment I gave everyone else. I saw and treated my shortcomings, flaws, and faults as things that made me less than acceptable. But the shortcomings and faults of those I adored, I saw as things to be disregarded and forgotten, as they did not define them. I had reached a point where I dreaded my own company and felt lonely when solus.
- A Moment Alone
When it came down to viewing myself in the same loving, supportive, and understanding image as I gave others, I couldn't. I saw myself as undeserving. I believed I was so far from good enough, but now, after years of hard work, I no longer struggle with this.
I enjoy my own company; I love and treat myself how I wish anyone else would. I am now more than enough company for myself, and I believe now that I am truly, all I could need; however, there is a downside to this beyond scary for me.
I now struggle to build new memories with my friends and family and form new connections. I have acquired the shiny new status of feeling too lazy/comfortable on my own and with my own company to put effort into building intimate relationships and sacrificing a portion of my time, attention, and energy into something more than myself and my mental health. I am afraid I am too comfortable alone to build a connection with and accept the presence and physical affection of someone else. Ironically, building relationships for me has become more taxing than building the one kind of relationship I used to ignore, the relationship I have with myself. It has resulted in my tendency to obsess over a person, but be unwilling to put forth the effort to build something real with them. I worry that I could lose myself again in a relationship and find myself so infatuated with someone that I ignore my own needs and boundaries and forget to respect myself and maintain my mental health.
Although I am happy being by myself, at the moment, my family and friends are concerned for me. Concerned I will reject everyone's company, always reject going out, and always be alone. As a result of all this, I'm concerned about my lack of motivation and inability to see worth in choosing to build relationships (especially romanticly) and memories over my alone time, independence, and volition leading to me feeling lonely and having no one down the line.
I find it much easier to process my growth and the severity of the issues in my current situation when it is somehow depicted in front of me. It would provide me time to give this situation that I have been living in, the attention it needs rather than ignoring that I have grown and gained new issues and habits that need to be addressed.
For the first time, I am allowing myself to be open in this concern and process these new worries artistically with a large-scale oil and acrylic painting I have planned and sketched for over four months now. Not that the project is very complex, it has just taken me some time to come out of my shell.
Make it stand out
I've taken inspiration from artists such as Kehinde Wiley, Kudzanai-Violet Hwami, and Stand by Me by Maria Matvisiv. Their realism and the overall mood of their work are perfect examples of what I wish to portray with this project.
I crave to project something with melancholy undertones but with a beautiful look to it that almost distracts from the underlying issues projected in the piece. I would love the chance to use wood panels as a painting surface for the first time and expand on my experience with oil paint, using both elements to achieve the goal of a look that could steer the mind from the concept for a moment.
I will still include other subtle elements drawing more of my concept in; like the scattered bouquet of flowers with a tag to symbolize the offer of affection and a connection and the expression in the portrait to suggest disinterest and internal conflict. I’ve chosen more loose-fitting clothing for my subject to represent my practice of enjoying my alone time and independence comfortably within my home.
My situation deserves more of my attention, and the first step to making the necessary changes to grow and improve is acknowledging the problems of my reality and that changes need to be made. But it’s not all hehe haha’s and happy moments. I am not galloping naked in fields of flowers without a care in the world. There are not-so-pretty parts of this process and I have lost more brain cells than I have hair, teeth, and my will to survive (also my cellphone on numerous, inconvenient, occasions); however, I know I am more than capable of making the necessary improvement on myself, and this project can, and eventually will, help me do that.
Wish me good luck…
